I came across these the other day. I don’t know what it is about these that makes me laugh so much. I think it’s the fact the each of the contributors, are trying just a little too hard to be a little bit too clever. Most are by sports commentators and pundits. They seem to have a deep desire to utter the immortal line that will, raise them above the status of mere commentator, to the level of prophet and guru.
The results don’t always go as planned. At least however they have managed to produce an utterance that they will be long remembered for. Even, if it is for the wrong reasons.
There's quite a few here but I think there will be something for everybody.
This is my personal favourite:
"People say footballers have terrible taste in music but I would dispute that. In the car at the moment I've got The Corrs, Cher, Phil Collins, Shania Twain and Rod Stewart." - Andy Gray.
David Coleman“And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)
"He's 31 this year - last year he was 30." [
really? ]
"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand"
"He is accelerating all the time. The last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before that in 62. "
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes."
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people"
"She's not Ben Johnson - but then who is?"
"That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record. "
"For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2!"
John Motson
And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway."
Motty on form in the Columbia v Tunisia game, after Tunisia made a substitution: "They've now got Ben Younes, Ben Ahmed and Ben Slimane. I think we'll have to stick to using just their surnames." Sure enough he went on to refer to them as Younes, Ahmed and Slimane.
Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored"
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen."
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Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty."
Kevin Keegan - enough said..."The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game"
"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders"
"Only one team can win this game - and that team is England" (closely followed by Brian's: "But wait a minute, here's Dan Petrescu...................!")
"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him..."
"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
"Sometimes there are too many generals and not enough, er, people waving to the generals as they, er, walk past." (This deserves a special mention)
A few delightful mixed metaphors:
If they blow millions chasing the dream but end missing the boat, they're not even back at square one - they're right in it, with the future of the club up in the air." (about Manchester City's spending)
""Pires has got something about him, he can go both ways depending on who's facing him" - David Pleat
"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball" - Ian St John
"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish" - Ian St John
"The Croatians don't play well without the ball" - Barry Venison
"It had to go in, but it didn't" - Peter Drury
"That's lifted the crowd up into the air" - Barry Davies
"He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss." - Bobby Robson
A few from Murray Walker:
"Prost can see Mansell in his earphones!"- Murray Walker
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
"Tambay's hopes, which were previously nil, are now absolutely zero."
"There is nothing wrong with the car except that it's on fire."
"...and he's lost
both right front tyres."
"This is the last penultimate lap but one."
"I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies - which immediately turn out to be wrong
A mixed bag of also rans...
"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones" - Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992.
"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence." - NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning.
If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent" - Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.
"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on." - John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.
Richard Keys : "Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league?" Roy Evans : "You have to finish above everyone to win the league Richard."
"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money." - NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live
"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it." - ALAN BALL
"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds." - PETER JONES
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." - DAVID ACFIELD
"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers." - Mick Lyons
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head" - Derek Johnstone, BBC TV Scotland (1994)
"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did" - Barry Davies (1975)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" - Stuart Pearce (1992)
"If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can't swim" - Berti Vogts, Germany coach (
This doesn’t qualify as a goof, but it is a great line)
"The only way we will be going to Europe is if the club splash out and take us all to Eurodisney" - Dean Holdsworth, Wimbledon
"If the players want to make it hard for me, I am happy to make it twice as hard for them" - Wendy Toms, the first female referee to officiate in a professional game
After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)
"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)
"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day." CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?" STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live
"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot." RAY WILKINS, BBC1
"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..." ALAN SUGAR, BBC1
"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal." DAVE BASSETT, Sky Sports
"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals." PETER WITHE, Radio 5 Live
"The lads really ran their socks into the ground." ALEX FERGUSON
"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps." BRUCE RIOCH, ITV
David Pleat during the United States' game against Iran: "He had to cut back inside onto his left foot because he literally hasn't got a right foot."
"Ardiles strokes the ball like it is part of his own anatomy." - Jimmy Magee, RTE
"I'd like to play for an Italian club , like Barcelona" - Mark Draper (Aston Villa)
Richard Keys: "Ooh! that's a serious injury, isn't it Alan?"Alan Shearer: "Well I dunno, depends if its serious..."
From the World Cycling Championships: "It will come as no surprise to anyone if they spring a complete surprise on us!"
and: "These cyclists are playing chess with each other. They are shuffling the cards even as we speak!"
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was myright." - Lee Hendrie
"I always used to put my right boot on first and then, obviously, my right sock." - Barry Venison
"There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between." - Gary Lineker
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in gettingout of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall
"Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles" - anon snooker commentator.
Here is a rather unique view of the World Cup from The Other Side of the Pond:
"The ball is an optical illusion as it's painted asymmetrically." -- TyKeough, ESPN
"The new ball is a rocket without tail feathers." -- Jack Edwards, ESPN
"Beckham makes a perfect pass into the trash can." -- Jack Edwards, ESPN
"I gave him credit for the toe poke, but it was in fact played by thedefender." -- Jack Edwards, ESPN
"This is huge - this is a winner-go-home, loser-go-on situation!" -- Jack Edwards, ESPN, during the USA-Mexico match in the World Cup.
"Albright hits the post! That's Chris Albright at his best!" -- JackEdwards, ESPN
"Claudio Reyna provides maximum optimal options for the United States." -- Jack Edwards, ESPN
"The ball was actually picking up speed as it approached the goal!" -- Ty Keough, ESPN
"He's got those greenish-yellowish shoes on, so he looks fast." -- TyKeough, ESPN
"I was expecting one of those Claudio Reyna through passes that no one expects." -- Ty Keough, ESPN
"They call him the Mad Hungarian." -- Ty Keough, ESPN, on Bulgarianstriker Hristo Stoichkov
"The Brazilians have golf clubs for feet." -- Jack Edwards, ESPN
"We're both on the high wire juggling balls in the air and I think that failure to take the chance, the little bit of a slip on a banana peel will cost either team the game." -- Ray Hudson, DC United manager
"If they score, then one goal won't be enough for us to win it." -- BobGansler, Kansas City Wizards manager
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